Lucy, The Shining One

What goes up…

Today is Not A Good Day. Today is in fact pretty close to being a bad day. I should have seen it coming, really. I’ve been up for quite a while. I spent hours last night obsessing over bullet journals, bookmarking websites, writing lists and notes and ideas. I completely lost track of time, went to bed at an hour that’s too late for me and didn’t get enough sleep.

Today I feel low. Today my depression has me wondering why I’m bothering – even why I’m writing here. I don’t even know if I’ll hit post or if I’ll just delete.

I’ve been getting so proud of myself over the last few days for the maths I’m learning on Khan Academy. Before now, I’ve never grasped concepts such as fractions or long division and I feel amazing for it. I wanted to post all about it and share my excitement.

I had some English study books come in the post today. Starting with the basic level stuff, key stage one – primary school. Grammar and punctuation stuff for SATS. The first page, the very first thing and it’s things I never knew.
Nouns. I learned today what nouns are.

It felt wonderful!

And then… then I felt completely stupid. Wondering what the hell I’m doing. I’m getting excited over learning concepts that I should have known over 30 years ago. That primary school age children know. I should not be excited about this. I should be humiliated. No, I am humiliated… both at not knowing such basic topics and at my joy over learning them. And really, You should see what my posts look like before the spellchecker built into Opera corrects them.

S will be home in about 10 minutes, J about 30 minutes after her. I’m going to be really glad to see them. Mostly, I just need a hug.

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