Lucy, The Shining One

Day 5 – A time you thought about ending your own life

This time a topic I’ve thought long and hard about how to answer. My answer itself is very simple but it’s the wording of it. I’ve also gone and learned how to do an post-cut thing so as to hide things from people who, for various reasons, wouldn’t feel comfortable reading about it. The last thing I want is to accidentally trigger someone.

As part of having Schizo-affective disorder, I struggle with bipolar and have erratic moods. When I’m low, I’m very very low and one of the voices I have, and struggle with a lot, is one who enjoys telling me how worthless I am, how it would be better for everyone if I wasn’t here. No-one would miss me, they’d be free of my burden. I also get one that’s hell-bent on telling me that this life with J&S is actually the hallucination and that there is literally no-one who would care if I killed myself.

I have, to my knowledge, attempted to kill myself 4 times in the last 15 years. Two over-doses, one attempted hanging and one razor. Saying ‘to my knowledge’ may seem strange but there has been at least one time where I was shaking pills out of a bottle and lining them up – J walked in on and me and stopped me, and there was a hospital trip (Turns out I hadn’t taken any) but I was completely unaware of it happening, like I was in a total fuuge state.

It’s been over 2 years since I made any attempt on my life. I’m a lot more in control and aware than I have been, and I’m in a really good place in my life. And J, in particular, is really good with tracking my moods and I guess interveening when I get too low. He’ll actively work with me on getting me back up to level. I feel horrible that he has to, but he just says it’s part of loving someone.

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